?

Log in

No account? Create an account
illusar
14 October 2012 @ 10:53 pm
It's been a long long time. I'm probably making the same excuses that everyone did. Life got in the way. I no longer feel like I have time to really sit down for a moment and just think, let alone do stuff.

I just started medical school. There's a conditioning process that one goes through. I get antsy when I don't study for one day. Feels a little like blasphemy. First time I talked to my 2nd year student mentor, she asked how much I've been studying everyday. I replied about 2-3 hours. She then told me that it's not enough. It's true as I find out as school dragged on. 2-3 hours feels more of the leisure break I should allow myself each day outside of school and studying and sleeping. I do exaggerate on some of these things but it sure feels like it... though I do know people in my class who follows this routine.

School is interesting to say the least. Anatomy lab especially. It's true once you start skinning and dissecting that it's hard to view the cadavers as they were human before. But then there are the little things like this cadaver had a tattoo on his chest of someone's name. This cadaver still has a very nice looking manicure. These things really make you step back and think.
Tags:
 
 
illusar
17 May 2012 @ 10:04 am
Don't know if everyone has played this before but Triple Town for Iphone/Ipad is addicting as hell. Pretty much like Chuzzle in a way? 3 of a kind make something else and 3 of that something else make a bigger something else. You play to rack up points and coins for getting either more turns or other items to help you rack even more points. Just one of those not quite mindless time waster games. The downpoint of the game is that you only get 'turns' from time. A lot of it is waiting and those who are too impatient might want to pay a couple bucks for the unlimited moves and new maps. That's what Teddy did at least. All I have to say is... those damn ninja bears!

Guild Wars 2: Pre-ordered the game and was slightly afraid I won't be able to play it before school starts. Release date still isn't out yet after all. Good thing though was the Beta Weekend Event recently to give everyone a taste. I haven't played the first game but it was pretty much what I expected for a MMO. Kinda like WoW.  Because people kept getting bumped to the overflow servers, I wasn't able to party with friends as much as I would've liked. Got pretty crazy and annoying with the overflow servers and having to queue up for it. Not to mention when spawns appear, everyone descends on them like vultures making it hard to see what you're killing. Only 3 races were out and most of us picked Humans since they were prettier. Nords are HUGE next to a human. Voice acting was pretty good for the personal stories. Storylines were lulzy and cliche as hell. Still enjoyable though. However, only part of the storyline is out for beta. For my character, I picked a male thief with streetrat background and biggest regret was not knowing parents/was an orphan. The background affects the personal story and your friend npcs. Thief is... pretty annoying to play, especially in close quarters. I ended up being mobbed to death since I don't do enough dps or control with aoe. Things were a lot better when I switched to pistols instead of sword. I can just kite all day while melee is a lot of pain. >.>; All in all, not bad. In the end, I'll probably give it to Bro while I go school.

Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: enthralledenthralled
Current Music: Fast Car - Tracy Chapman
 
 
illusar
16 April 2012 @ 10:20 am
Again, awhile. These couple months has been pretty crazy and stuff for me Don't think it quite sank in yet. Proud to say that I will be starting school in another state in a few months. Now that I have time again, back to catching up on endless shows, anime, movies, games, etc that I have just sitting there. 

Movies: In which we're pretty much just watching random ones including bad movie nights...

Hunger Games was... okay. I liked parts and didn't like parts. Book is always better... Need more CG's in my opinion. Was really disappointed in the costumes since that part was what I was looking forward to most of all. Movie will feel incomplete for people who didn't read the books. There's a lot of backstory for each person and you aren't able to get into the head of Katniss to get explanations for her actions. 

Mirror Mirror was... meh. Snow White rewritten in an attempt to be witty and humorous at the same time. As all fairy tale parodies go, that was slightly amusing. Not worth it though. Funniest scenes were already in the trailer. Probably because it's ridiculous in a not really memorable way. Maybe rent it or Netflix it but don't go pay theater price... That random Bollywood scene/dance at the end. /facepalm

We finally mustered up courage and time to watch The Last Airbender. Biggest mistake ever. Terrible acting. Slow slow cg's. Time skips. I haven't even watched the cartoon but friends who did were cringing the entire time. All in all, it deserved it's 3% Rotten Tomatoes score.

Then there is Sky High. Yup, that old super hero high school movie by Disney. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Well... maybe. Trailer made it look out to be better.

Gaming:

Saints Row: The Third which is pretty much Grand Theft Auto but with a lulzy storyline and spam-filled with over the top-ness and ridiculousness. You're a mafia boss that's part of the local celebrity gang around city. Then there are organizations trying to kill you. It was pretty amusing for the first couple hours with the course language and the missions. I mean, where would you get a mission that's objective is to rescue someone from a sex club... and then you find him strapped up in pony play. Then I stopped because I cannot stand GTA gameplay style games which in retrospect, is probably while I didn't finish L.A. Noire. One thing I absolutely cannot do is drive using the keyboard. Should be better with console version. 

Started playing FFXIII... that's because I was in 'feeling good' moment and bought FFXIII-2 without playing the first one. Now I have to make up for it. Gotta say I pretty much dislike everyone in the game besides Sazh and Lightning after the first hour. Hope be emo. Snow be ridiculous. Vanille... oh god her voice and demeanor. Then I get Fang and she's just awesome. And badass. Controlling her is a lot easier than Vanille. For one, you actually have a Commander to control which monster for the other party members to focus on. My god, the hardest part of the whole game is to get the damn Eidolons. Took me forever to get Vanille's. Boss fights be easier than that. Tutorial is pretty much like 70% of the game. >.>; You don't get to switch party members 'til much later and game's pretty linear. I'm using Fang as my party leader with Vanille and Lightning as other party members. All girl party!~
Polar's using Vanille partly because she sounds like she's orgasming when she uses her Eidolon. >.>; Story's not as good as the other final fantasy games. Play for pretty graphics and not really storyline?

Tags: ,
 
 
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Alice - Shadow Hearts OST
 
 
illusar
13 December 2011 @ 07:53 pm
Still alive! Just been suckered into the whirlwind of depression and application cycle and gaming. Oh, and I went on a trip to San Francisco and San Jose. Public trans is a definite pain in the arse. Everyone in Cali needs a car. Trufax. Or you'll never get anywhere... Being the smart people we are, we walked. Like a lot. I think people stay healthy there just by walking up and down the streets. Hills are a work out. >.>;

The entire cycle of our trip was travel, eat, travel, eat, travel, sleep, eat. Endless loop. Got to the point where we're just like... so we traveled... wanna go eat? The other memorable part of our trip was a lot of QQ's and Troll-ies. Crying babies everywhere. I blame Chewy. And trolleys that pretty much troll us. We'll wait to no avail, start walking and then see a trolley pass by. ._.; The best point of the trip was definitely the food. Had Toro Sushi which was everything I've ever dreamed it to be... and expensive as hell. One for each of us ended up being half the bill. Also, clam chowder be real there. I mean, you can tell it's real since there's still sand in them. Is too lazy to put up pics... but they're all on twitter somewhere. Oh and rose garden be dead. Be smart. Don't go near winter. Waste of time. >.>;

Gaming:

On side note, I beat the dlc content, Deus Ex: Human Revolution Missing Link. Passed without killing anyone! /proud It's pretty much set during what happens in between before the end of the game. Nothing really changed for playing wise but you start out missing everything including all your augs which is kinda annoying. There's also a moral decision to be made near the end of the game. For the greater good! is... always how I made my decision. Replayed and cheated to have no one die. It is possible.

Beat Bastion also. Kinda like apocalypse happened and now you try to restore things. Pretty fun but a lot of clicking... and I'm kinda bad at judging the distance when it's on a slanted overview angle. Missing attacks~ Is it worth it for the second time playing? Maybe. There's technically 2 decisions to be made, one near the end, and one at the end of the game. You just get different graphic art and a little story. You can pick one, replay, pick the other one to get a more complete feel. Breaker Bow and Cael Hammer ftw! ...but Chewy is doing it so much faster with all the idols activated using only musket and rifle. Trick for the rifle is to go up close and just shoot. You won't miss the targets at point blank.

Skyrim has pretty much taken over my life. I actually never really played the other games in the series. Played like 10 minutes of Morrowind and got bored. This one kept my attention though. Made a Redguard male warrior and going dual wield while still using bow. Since I can't really block, I consume pots like no other. >.>; One thing that's really really annoying about dual wielding is that you can't hotkey and switch back to it easily if you're holding 2 different swords. The only way to make it even remotely possible is to manually equip them with bow hotkeyed. When you're holding out your weapon, just hit the hotkey for the bow and it switches from bow to dual wielding. Trying desperately to remain neutral while joining all possible groups... thief, assassin, companions, etc. So many misc quests... gotten to the point where I'm afraid to go to a new major town. It's like enter and then 20 quests dumped on you. Probably gonna join the Imperials since Stormcloaks are a bunch of racist asses. Or be like Polar who's joining Stormcloaks even though he's a high elf for trollololol factor. I should prob go finish the main quest first though...

Movie:
Hugo was definitely worth it to see in 3D. A movie about finding yourself/your way. I thought it was pretty good since I do enjoy slice of life sometimes. Major props to the cinematography though. It kept the movie interesting.

Drive was about a driver. That's pretty much it. Slice of lifey with a lot of pauses and staring. Still kinda intense though which you have to give it credit for since plot is meh. Halfway through the movie you go WTF?! And it slows down again. I really don't think I'll watch it again. It's one of those movies you'll probably appreciate for a glimpse and leave behind. It did feel like it dragged on a bit. They never even gave the driver a name...

Music wise, I've been enjoying the covers from Boyce Avenue. They're a pretty good group all in all and great for their covers. But dunno, I feel like their original songs are okay but pretty forgettable. The music video for Every Breath is very pretty though.
Tags: ,
 
 
illusar
25 September 2011 @ 12:46 am
Took me a week of playing between work and apps and all but I finally beat Deus Ex: Human Revolution. Having never played the first one, I thought it was pretty good. Set in this world where humans are able to go to clinics to augment themselves with robotic body parts and thereby improving their capabilities. You play as Adam Jensen, the head security of Sarif Industries, which is one of the leading corporations in augmentations. Due to an incident, you become forcefully augmented in the beginning. Storyline is pretty interesting as you delve into the world and find out all these conspiracies and such. Gameplay was pretty good too. There are quite a few options on how you can go about completing your missions. You can go in guns a blazing and killing everyone or just stealthily completing your objective. Of course, it's a lot more exp gained if you do it with stealth and taking down other enemies. Killing gives you about 10 exp, sniping gives you another 10 exp... but if you use takedown, you can gain 50 exp instead. Hacking early on also gives a lot of exp if you want to quickly level up your augmentations. I went about it with a mixture of stealth, hacking, and sniping. The game is innovative enough that you can even go about killing everyone with a vending machine. There are certain things that affect the storyline though so be a little careful... though it's pretty obvious once you play through it. One of the downsides that Chewy pointed out is that even though you try to do stealth, you still end up having to kill the bosses. No avoiding that. Another thing is that the endings were meh. Pretty good game overall so I recommend getting it. Took me some use to since I don't really play FPS's.

Played a bit of League of Legends since Dominion beta was out for a little bit. It goes by really quick so I'm not sure what to build. Will have to play more when it's actually released. Interesting though.

Watched first ep of Majisuka Gakuen... head hurts already. Kinda typical Japanese drama with overdramatized situations and expressions. . Quirky principal that throws random English words around. Odd creepy characters. Either an underdog or secretly powerful lead. A lot of durrr wut. I can't help laughing or facepalming about some of it though...even for the serious scenes. Wondering how many times they can put 'serious' in an episode...

IRL-wise, still nothing but work and apps. Am taking a Spanish class for Health Professionals though. So far, I've only learned greetings and random words. Becoming the troublemakers in the class along with a coworker. Asking a lot of inane questions like, 'When is the transition time between saying Good Afternoon and Good Night.' Also, it's hard to resist switching to Japanese... my mind is automatically associating Foreign Language = Japanese.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Party Rock Anthem
 
 
 
illusar
31 August 2011 @ 11:46 pm
And to think I can stay away...
So much more apps to do and yet the deadlines draw closer... yet here I am writing a post.

I did go to San Francisco sometime last month or so. Here's some pretty scenery pics.







Watching Ao no Exorcist which is pretty much about the protagonist as the son of Satan but didn't know originally. After some people's sacrifices, he wants to become an exorcist (with no prior knowledge) and kill Satan.

Crazy Stupid Love was amusing and not bad. Everything kind of just mashes together at the end. Did not see that human shaped curveball coming though. Feeling like I've slightly failed as a frequent movie watcher.

The Inside Experience is worth checking out even though it kinda passed? Basically interactive film/series using facebook, twitter, and other social media. Girl wakes up trapped in room with only connection to outside world as the internet. Audience or pretty much anyone with internet (namely us) can help her solve what's going on with the clues found in her videos and messages.

Got a Touchpad! Zanna was kind enough to inform me the day it was announced HP was leaving tablet market. We both snagged a 32gb one. It's a bit slow but you can overclock it easily. I really like the 'cards' concept though.


I got fingerprint marks on it already... really really need a cover.

Started doing Couch to 5k again but this time with Polar and Zanna. Doing better and into 4th week. Foot feels like it's still not completely healed from injury though.

Artsy stuff! Dammit, I really want an Inkling. Pity I have no use though. Can't commit long enough to see down and sketch it continuously...

As for a not really a big deal but apparently everyone thinks it's a life changing event... I got a perm. People be shocked. I actually kinda got it 'cause of pride. Went into Headquarters in Chinatown and asked for an appointment. They were pretty free unless you're requesting Norris, the owner? I think? He's also the one on all the yelp reviews though... Interior was completely white. Not that bad of a design though. Anyways, I asked for a new hair style and the stylist told me there's not much to do with long hair. He asked if I've ever permed it or colored it. My response was no. And then he replied, 'That's quite boring.' Hence PRIDE and I went 'Fine, I'll perm it!' Then it took quite long. Sis said she never waited for a woman for this long. >.>; Overall experience was not bad. Recommend that you speak a little even if broken Chinese. It helps a little more.

Then I found out that there's so much more to do to maintain it. Like getting specific shampoo, blow drying it a specific way, and using gel to hold it... Being a girl is troublesome.
 
 
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
Current Music: How to Love - Lil Wayne
 
 
illusar
23 August 2011 @ 01:36 am
Conversations with people makes for thinking.


I don't really know what makes me happy. It was always the little things and seeing people happy makes me happy. But I don't really know how to achieve happiness all by myself. A lot of things are, 'it would be nice to have' and not 'want.' Also proves how emotionally stunted I am. I've never had more with people because I never really wanted more. Friendships are easy. Romance looks hard. But I've never wanted to learn. I've never cared to learn. I never seen more with people and treat everyone relatively the same. I don't know what that makes me.



The other thing is that I can't believe how I let myself forget. People suck. People are manipulative. People lie. I think I'm just letting this underlying tension float around in the air. I try to just keep things light and keep everything the same but I can be ridiculously shortsighted. Even with the best intentions in mind. The road to hell and all.
Tags: ,
 
 
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Someone Like You - Adele
 
 
illusar
14 July 2011 @ 11:55 pm

More and more busy nowadays. Started second round of secondaries. Expect even less updates? Or more, depending on how much I procrastinate.

Gaming:

Was playing L.A. Noire on and off. Pretty good game but pretty linear. Kinda like GTA + Heavy Rainish with the questioning and stuff. Graphics be nice. You could see the facial reactions with shifty eyes and all. But protagonist is too much of a goody two shoes for me though even with the not so goody stuff going on later that caused the demotion. And no, I still didn't finish it. >.>; League of Legends and CoD have been competing for my gaming attention instead.

Iphone apps are addicting too... other random free time has been on Shape Shift which is another puzzle game where you make blocks disappear. This time you match by color but switch by shapes.

Movie:

Bad Teacher was rather unimpressive. Not that terrible but not that good either. Rather unmemorable with some amusing/funny spots. What it teaches you is to not be so straight and narrow. Definitely don't be a goody-two shoes.

Green Lantern wasn't as bad as I thought or heard it to be. Classic-ish superhero story. Protagonist, Antagonist, Pretty Girl/Bait, Super Powers. Probably would enjoy it more if I was 8 years old or so.

Xmen First Class was actually pretty good. But considering I haven't seen the other Xmen movies... I shouldn't be the judge. All that bromance though... Polar kept on chanting 'Kiss Kiss Kiss Kiss!' at some points...

Book:

Company by Max Barry is quite humorous. Corporate and logical humor. I like the chimp analogy/explanation the best. A room full of chimps were taught not to touch the banana in a room or else they get shocked. Then the scientists put in a new chimp who never knew of the rule. He reaches for the banana and all the other chimps beats him up. Eventually, that chimp will learn not to go for the banana. The chimps are replaced one by one. At the end, you have a room full of chimps who don't go for the banana without knowing the original reason. Similar to that, none of the new generation of workers really know the purpose of the company. Kinda makes you think about ethics and what a company really should/is like. Disliked the small bit of romance in it though. Polar's argument is that she's hot and that's all that matters. Bah.

Did some events~!

I went to Chicago Pridefest with Polar and Fox. Was alright... kinda like a street fair more. There's performances by drag queens and also music artists. The Pink impersonator was pretty good but others not so much. Mya was the one we actually stayed to watch even though there was a large group of tall guys in front of us. ._. We did get a bunch of free stuff. Polar got a shirt that says 'Closets are for Clothes' and I got a more variety of stuff... as in frisbee, condoms, and lube. Fox got only a lanyard. Much teasing was going on.



Pride Parade was a lot more exciting. The train ride heading toward Boys Town was completely packed. Sardines have nothing on us. Fox was entirely pressed against me and me against the divider/wall. Other people were pushing against her and into me. Very uncomfortable. You know it's bad when you can smell other people's gum and McDonalds. >.>; A lot of excitement once we actually got to the Belmont stop. There was a lot of people crowding to see the parade and roaming the streets. People watching is exceptionally fun during this time. A lot of affection, quite a bit of nakedness, and somethings you just can't unsee. Will probably go again but earlier... After the Pridefest, we wandered over to the less crowded places to eat, Rockwood Place. Met up with Fox's friends and had some bbq chicken wings. The sweet potato fries were much better imo.

Oh heyz, I did stuff but images NSFWCollapse )

 

Egg Tarts! But no pics. Got a recipe off a coworker and made sis make some Hong Kong style egg tarts. Egg custard part ended up pretty good but harder to make crust. She ended up mashing it against the side of the pan to make it stay. We had some pretty hard egg tarts there.

 

Han 202 is a fancy-ish looking restaurant nearby. They have something called the grand prix course which included appetizer, salad, soup, entree, and dessert for $25.00. Food's not really worth it in my opinion. The soup with dumpling was unimpressive. Shanghai dumplings were disappointing since it didn't taste authentic at all. No gush of soup inside. :c The monkfish was okay but the mango sorbet plate seems to be a faulty design. That or they need smaller spoons. I keep knocking it over the side of the middle and onto the edge. The apple salad with truffle oil was interesting though. Atmosphere is kinda nice for dates with the low settings. Considering the couple we saw ended up making out outside the window.... guess the date went pretty well.

 

Fourth of July was pretty fun. Went back to Phantom Fireworks in Merrillville, Indiana. Only an hour drive so not that bad. It's the toll that was killing us. Less fireworks this year and split between more people. More cost effective and we actually managed to finish at a reasonable time this year and with no leftovers! As for the fireworks, Magic Crystals are still awesome and the Owl was trollolol. We got $80 worth of roman candles... ended up doing a 20 man salute twice and still have leftovers. Should get metal sparklers next year to create a super nova.

 
 
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
 
 
illusar
18 June 2011 @ 12:10 am

No excuses. But I was, well am, still sick. If it's not one thing, it's another. This year has just been nonstop for me. Series of unfortunate events anyone? But in my absence from blogging, I did things! Well, sorta.

I WANT TO SPARKLE!

I haven't watched anime in a while... Hanasaku Iroha is one of those amusing slice of life. Less on the crazy end like Minami Ke. Ep 1 was off to a slow start. Girl with irresponsible mother gets sent to live with her grandmother. Grandma owns an inn and makes her work there. She sets to prove herself to her grandmother and the rest of the cast. Gonna keep watching so far. But random onsen yuri scene had me laughing... even though it's imagined.
 

Movies (Old, New, Been out for a while):

Hangover 2 wasn't as good as the first one. Same plot, different setting. Awkward crude humor/situations still. Kinda like the revelation on where their missing companion could be better this time around. Rewatch Chance – fairly decent

Get Him to Greek is... okay I suppose? Just crude humor but not particularly witty. More with awkward situations. Rewatch Chance – No.

Fast Five was good. Loads of action and cars. I suppose the after movie scene would be more useful if I actually watched the other previous movies... Rewatch Chance – Rather High

Love Actually was cute. Kinda makes you go aww at some points and laugh at others. Rewatch Chance – Quite High

Big Momma Like Father Like Son has singing... and dancing. Well, it is set in a musical arts school. Make my cousin facepalm since a lot of movies seems to be having a musical element to it with Glee on the rise. Basic plot is son witnesses murder and have to go undercover crossdressing like his dad in the first movie. Rewatch Chance – Eh, don't care for.

Just Go With It was rather unimpressive. You just know how everything will play out. Guy got heartbroken hardcore and discovered he can milk it for sympathy sex. Does it for years and finally meet a girl he's interested in. Convinces coworker to pretend to be his wife that he's divorcing to convince interested girl that he's not a douche bag. Throw in a bunch of random encounters and situations and BAM! You get a this movie. Rewatch Chance – Higher than Get Him to Greek but still no.

Priest was disappointing. What you see in the trailer is pretty much it. Action but not really that much. Plot is almost nonexistent. Ending seems kinda cliffy. Rewatch Chance – Meh. Could go either way.

Thor was... okay, I suppose? Didn't have much expectation for it. Probably 'cause Thor wasn't that good of a superhero. Some of the CG's was cool though. Rewatch Chance – Not if I have to pay.

Kung Fu Panda 2 was a pleasant surprise. There's actually a darker plot mixed with humor. There's this rather odd camaraderie between Tigress and Po. Predicting panger or tida babies if they make a follow up. Kinda like how they did it with the dronkies in Shrek. Rewatch Chance - Highish

Bridesmaids was pretty good. Crude humor and awkward situations thrown in. Kinda like Hangover but not as wild I suppose. First 10 minutes of movie and my thoughts were 'why would anyone want to watch others having sex.' Too much drama for Polar though, lol. Sorry, Keeper but I can still go for a sandwich after watching that last scene. =P Rewatch Chance – Pretty High

Gaming:

Failed so hard at Call of Duty: Black Ops. Was playing the zombie survival one with my bro online. My kills were half of everyone else's and my deaths almost twice as high. Resigning myself that the only time I'll be good with a shooting game is with a gun controller. My tendency to aim for the body instead of the head will not guarantee my survival should the zombie apocalypse ever comes.

 

Saw Spring Awakening when it was in town. Was alright. Didn't particularly want to see it but Khouster's Bday and all. I enjoy the songs more than the plot... especially 'Totally Fucked' and 'Touch Me.'

Ram Restaurant and Brewery was good enough that we went back. Got mostly appetizers though. Polar just had to challenge the Behemoth.


Yes, that's like 5 lbs of meat.

Zero Degrees Karaoke Bar is pretty decent for a karaoke place. Problem with most places near or in Chinatown is that their English song selection are usually horrendous. This one wasn't and the karaoke machine was pretty easy to navigate. If you want to go, definitely rent the rooms. They don't charge hours for how long you stay but you just need to hit the minimum charge they have for the room in general with drinks. If you don't drink, you could order food too. We had the large room with the minimum charge of $300. Quite easy to hit when you have a large party and bottles be expensive. But do to some...unfortunate incident, we probably won't be going back there again... at least for a while.

Volunteered for the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. I pretty much cheer... or in my case since voice is semi gone, clap loudly. I really enjoy some of the team names and slogans people had. “Holler for Hooters” “Walkers for Knockers” “Won't Quit 'til We Save a Tit” “Save a Breast, Grope Your Wife”

Personal favorite is “Saving Second Base.”

 
 
Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: Can't Make You Love Me (cover) - Tony Lucca
 
 
illusar
09 May 2011 @ 07:14 pm
I just need to get this off my chest. Life has been full of drama lately and it lead to thoughts upon thoughts. Nothing good comes out of too much overthinking.

There was a time in my life that I hurt so much that I just want to hurt other people too. More often than not, everyone gets these thoughts sometimes. It's those types of self destructive thoughts that I don't know how to deal with. I wouldn't go as far as to kill myself because suicide is stupid. But my reasons for that weren't much better. Why only hurt myself when I could bring others down too? I would do things that are reckless, where I could seriously harm myself while making it look unintentional. It's the thought of, "Something happened to me, and it's their fault for not noticing. I hope they feel guilty knowing that it's their fault." I honestly thought I should go see a therapist. I even told someone that. They looked at me like I was mad and scoffed at the idea. No, not mad. Just depressed, confused, and insecure. I hid behind a mask of optimism and silliness. No one thought that I could feel this way. But somehow, one day, I began to feel less like that. I don't know how or why. I don't have a moment where I can pinpoint and say, "There. That's it. That helped me through it." It was a gradual process. I stopped hurting so much and stopped wanting to others just as much a little less days by days. I started caring about how my actions could affect others. It's not to say these feelings will completely go away. These defenses still rise when I get pushed. And when that happens, I'll be deliberately hurtful. Maybe it'll change and maybe it won't. But one day, it just gets easier to just live.
Tags: ,